The Choices We Make

I left last October. You pushed me away until I felt I had no other choice. I came back because you made me feel scared of the consequences of leaving.

I said back then I’d give it a year. I convinced myself plenty of times that things were getting better, that things were improving, after a magical day or week when you seemed different. But each time, it was only temporary. This cycle continues indefinitely. and this entire situation – the lack of communication, your lack of optimism and negativity, past hurts that haunt me – all of it has left me feeling stressed and teetering on the brink of depression.

It’s not as easy to catch depression as it is to catch a cold, of course — but bit-by-bit, your depression is spreading to me. I cannot – will not – allow myself to sink into that dark abyss.

It took me a year to realise this. There really is only so much that you can help someone if they aren’t at least trying. The choices you make are on you. The way you live is on you. I can only be responsible for myself and my choices.

Soul Restoration

I wanted it to work. To the point I would forgive, and accept, and ignore… until I couldn’t anymore.

Communication

A big part of a relationship is learning to have those uncomfortable conversations you always run away from.

Time Will Pass

I once read, “I can tell you over and over to leave the situation but you won’t until you are ready. One day you will wake up and realize that this isn’t what you want to feel like anymore and you’ll be done.”

Hard Pill to Swallow

My story put to words – when it was finally spoken after years of not telling anyone – was eye-opening. It’s messed up. Dysfunctional.

A Change Will Do You Good

This >>>

Silence

Ah the silent treatment, again. Day six without speaking a word. Just heavy sighs.

Your silence is a petty, passive-aggressive tactic. It breaks every rule of healthy communication. We can never discuss and resolve any issues because you refuse to communicate. And I am so over it.

Here’s a Tip

Here's a Tip

Even the nicest of people have their limits. Don’t push them too far and don’t try to reach those limits, because the nicest people can also be the scariest assholes once they’ve had enough.

Respect Her

Emotions

When you are in love with a woman, you should never accuse her of being overly emotional. You should never ask her if she is on her period when she expresses hurt or anger. You should never act like she is bothering you with her feelings.

When you accuse her of overreacting, it sounds like you don’t want to hear about her problems. It sounds like you are making excuses so you don’t have to have a serious conversation with her. It sounds like you are invalidating her feelings because you have a completely different opinion you value more than hers.

If you think she is overreacting, you probably aren’t looking at the situation from her point of view. You might be hearing what she is saying but you are not listening closely enough.

Even if you understand her side of the story and still believe she is overreacting, you should never tell her how to feel. If you use phrases like calm down and it’s not that big of a deal then you are going to chase her away.

Even worse, she might stick around, but she will close herself off. She will raise her guard. She will stop telling you how she feels because she will worry you are going to judge her again.

If you hate it when she says she is fine when it is clear something has been bothering her, then you cannot minimize her emotions when she is vulnerable with you. You cannot brush away her complaints. You cannot treat her emotions like a joke.

If you act like she does not have the right to be upset or angry or excited, then fine is all you are ever going to get from her. She is never going to give you any details. She is going to deal with the pain on her own.

You never want your person to feel this way. You want her to feel like she can come to you with any problems. You want to be her shoulder to cry on. You want to be the one she runs to with good news and bad news.

You don’t want her to purposely hide things from you in fear of coming on too strong. You don’t want her to censor herself around you to avoid fights. You don’t want her to bottle up her emotions because she thinks that is what you want her to do.

If you are in love with her, then you will want her to express her emotions. You will want her to open up to you. You will want her to wear her heart on her sleeve.

When you are in love with a woman, you will not tell her how to feel. You will not act like she is being silly or psycho for feeling the way she feels. You will respect her emotions. You will remind her they are valid.

What I Want

What I Want.jpg

Good Great sex is a plus but … I want to feel beautiful, wanted, loved and appreciated. I want to be “in love.” I want a mutual understanding that we are on a mission to keep love alove. I want to never go to bed angry. I want conversations, communication, fun and unconditional love.

 

Possibilties Not Problems

IMG_2277

In the midst of the storm, look ahead and let the possibilities of the future inspire you out of the conditions of the present. Sometimes where we are may not inspire us, but we can seek inspiration from where we want to be and use that inspiration to shorten our stay where we are. Never give any situation the power to rob you of your dream. Keep telling yourself that you are great. No one can keep you down if you insist on getting up.

The Highs & Lows

loveis-logo-header-310x120

Loving someone is letting them dump all their shit on you anytime they need to. Not because you’re an emotional punching bag, but because you both silently agreed to be there for one another, through the highs and the lows. It’s about being stronger than usual when your partner is feeling a little fragile, and doing whatever you need to pull them through this turbulent moment. So it doesn’t matter where you are or what’s going on, you show up for your person because you promised that you would.

 

I Can’t Forget

We were madly in love. I believed we had a close to perfect marriage; but then I sensed some changes in your behaviour. I realised you were not being faithful to me. I was devastated.

In the process of trying to make sense of it, I felt the need to revisit your transgressions, again and again those messages play in my mind. But this is extremely hurtful, and in the process, I’ve tortured myself terribly, and repeatedly.

There is a loss of closeness between us that still exists, you had been sharing time and things with another woman, and I had been an outsider. The longer this went on the more visuals got recorded in my brain and I couldn’t forget. I can’t forget.

I’d like nothing more than to forget but you can’t not know once you know, can you? Our brains are funny like that. All this unearthed information is firmly cemented in my memory, actual mental images with which to brood and virtually relive over and over. This means it’s very difficult to progress to any kind of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is hard. Forgetting is next to impossible.

Every Day Love

Everyday Love

Loving someone is being grateful for them every damn day. Even those days where your world is turning upside down, inside out, and it leaves your head spinning. Especially on those days. Because you get to go home to this person and wake up to another sunrise with them.

Do you have any idea how many people wish they could have that too? So remember to hug them, to kiss them, and to tell them they are loved, often.

I Forgive You

i-forgive-you-do-you-forgive-me

I forgive you, I really do. I am releasing this into the universe, surrendering it all because carrying this heaviness and hurt is a poison that is slowly killing me. I’m making the choice to forgive you because I need peace in my heart.

I forgive you for not loving me the way I wanted you to, the way you told me you would in the beginning. I forgive you for not being the man I thought you were, the man you pretended to be. I forgive you for hurting me. I forgive you for not wanting me the way I wanted you. I forgive you for all these feelings of unworthiness you brought to my doorstep and left for me to clean up. (It’s going to take a long time to clean up this mess.)

I forgive you breaking my tender heart and making me feel like nothing special. I forgive you for the tears I cried, for this empty feeling in my heart. I forgive you for not being man enough to talk to me and tell me how you felt.  I forgive you for not thinking enough of me or our time together to tell me the truth.

I forgive you for it all. I will never forget though. Never.

It’s Hard To Forgive

Forgiven

Forgiveness isn’t easy. Losing someone’s trust can take as little as half a second, but gaining it back takes time. Forgiving is a lengthy process. No matter how bad you want the whole thing to be over and for everything to go back to normal, it won’t for a while. You’ll always find the thought, the memory, hidden in your mind in the most obvious place, waiting for the right time to remind you that your heart is broken and that your attempt at a smile doesn’t hide it well enough. It’s hard to forgive someone you gave everything to because you know they’ll treat it with recklessness. They’ve done it before.

Truth

If I treated you the way you’re treating me you would hate me.

I Lived to Tell the Tale

Awesome

Sweet child, all your worst fears were realized, and yet you lived through it, lived to tell the tale, now with drier eyes and a steady voice

How can you not see that as a superpower, as proof of your divine strength?

 

Forgive

Forgiveness

Forgive anyone who has caused you pain or harm. Keep in mind that forgiveness is not for others. It is for you.

Forgiving is not forgetting. It is remembering without anger. It frees up your power, heals your body, mind, and spirit.

Forgiveness opens up a pathway to a new place of peace where you can persit despite what has happened to you.

Keep Going

Keep GoingNo matter how stuck you feel.

No matter how bad things are right now.

No matter how many days you’ve spent crying.

No matter how hopeless and depressed you feel.

No matter how many days you’ve spent wishing things were different.

I promise you won’t feel this way forever.

Keep going.

 

 

I Found Inner Strength

Being Strong

Being strong is love someone in silence. To radiate happiness when we are unhappy. To forgive someone who does not deserve forgiveness. To stay calm in moments of despair. To show joy when we don’t feel it. To smile when you want to cry. To make someone happy when our own heart is broken. To be silent when we feel like screaming our anguish. To comfort when we need to be comforted. And to have faith when sometimes we no longer believe.

The Past

past.

In order to move on from the past, you need to make the decision to forgive, even if the person is not worthy of your forgiveness. Because no matter the amount of pain they caused you, in order to forget, you need to forgive.

Love Is… Sticking Together

Love is...

I wanted us to last. I didn’t want a few amazing years and then for it to be over in a flash.

I don’t want to experience the feeling of hurt, confusion, or disappointment again.

Someday

I am used to writing down my sorrows and joys in a journal, a simple way to record what is going on in my daily life. For quite some time they have been horrible thoughts, sad discourse, and fear of what was to happen to my broken life spilled out, along with many, many tears. The meditative writing process gave my weary mind time to rest and the space to plan out a different future than the one I’d imagined.

Betrayal hurts deeply and emotionally. From the initial discovery, to the intimate and embarrassing things he’d text her, to the realization of what I’d allowed to happen to me because I never called him out on what I knew—all of it pecked away at my sense of self.

I met with a lawyer a few months ago. She told me to leave when I felt the timing was right. While this was my initial gut reaction — I’m still here. I’m still deciding what to do and when to do it. Some day I will gather the courage to leave. Eventually, I’ll face the facts.

Just Breathe

Just Breathe

I know I’ll be okay and that eventually everything will work out. I know that what’s meant for me will happen, I know …. But I just need a minute or two to pull myself together … Because sometimes the shit life throws at me gets heavy. That’s all…

💔

To Love Someone

Day By Day

To love someone, and I mean really love someone, is to love them on the hardest of days. When the odds are stacked against you. When neither of you is in your finest hour.

Forgive

Forgive

It took me a long time to understand what it means to forgive someone.

I always wondered how I could forgive someone who chose to hurt me. But after a lot of soul searching, I realized that forgiveness isn’t about accepting or excusing their behaviour…. it’s about letting it go and preventing their behaviour from destroying me heart.

Revenge

Revenge

The best revenge is no revenge. Move on, be happy.

Just Talk

Be Vocal, Not Silent

I respect a person who is vocal.

Tell me why you’re into me. Tell me why I pissed you off and tell me how I can fix it.

Tell me everything. Talk.

 

Silence

Marry someone who will sit down with you and say “let’s fix this” instead of being a child and ignoring you because they’re mad.

 

Happy 8th Anniversary

The past year has been really rough on our marriage, I honestly didn’t think we’d make it to #8. But we did, we made it past the seven-year itch.

I’m Still Here

Strength

I’m still healing from heartbreak but I have chosen to stay. There is strength in staying, in living in the uncomfortable space that is all around me. I have chosen to stay and show up for myself instead of chasing the next thrill of adventure to numb the pain of heartbreak. I have chosen to find strength in patience. It still hurts, I’m still uncomfortable, I’m slowly accepting things for what they are instead of letting go.

I’m still raw, but I’m also still here.

Relationships Aren’t Easy

Relationships ARen't Easy

If you want to be with someone, you have to be mature enough to stick around when things get tough. Relationships aren’t always easy.

Sit & Think

Sit & Think

Have you ever just sat and thought, “Fuck, I’ve been through a lot of shit.”

You Were Lost

Quotes A relationship is like a house. When a light bulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the light bulb.-m

It’s so easy to love someone when things are perfect and everything’s wonderful. But to love someone when things are difficult, when they’re not being perfect, when they’re messing up, flaws are seen, mistakes are made – I think that’s what really allows you to see how much love is really there.

Anyone can love someone who is doing and saying all the right things but to love someone when they are lost, when you’re willing to stand by them no matter how challenging or difficult things may be, I think that kind of love is real.

 

 

Sometimes

Sometimes

Sometimes I think about when we used to talk. We’d talk about dreams and fears and how real change could happen with a little time. But now more than a little time has gone by and now we don’t talk anymore. I try to remember all the things I wanted then. And all the things I want now and what’s different and what’s the same. I sometimes miss that dreaming we would do when we still talking. Before the avalanche came down and everything changed. When I believed in you and thought you believed in me.

Because even if things were wrong then and I knew about it, I didn’t yet know the full extent. I couldn’t possibly have. And even if I was without that knowledge, ignorant me was happy with the dreaming. She was happy with the talking. Sometimes those are the things we’re willing to trade. Talking instead of silence. Dysfunction instead of truth. Dreaming instead of leaving. A happy me for a happier you.

You can’t pick and choose the things you want in a person, but if I could, I’d pick the you who would let me rest my head on his chest and tell me the things he wanted to do.

End of a Love Story

Love Story

I wanted to live happily ever after. I wanted to cook breakfast with you in the mornings and fall asleep with you in the evenings. I wanted to see what you looked like with grey hair. I had so much more planned for us and I feel like our love story ended prematurely.

Our story hasn’t officially ended…. yet.

Oh Happy Day!!!

original_4c6760e7592561fe712335b913ced83c

Today I heard some news that made me want to jump with joy… they are having a baby.

My heart feels light for a change. The weight of the stress has been lifted and I can breathe a sigh of relief.

It will never be the same as it once was – I was hurt too deeply. I am so ready to move on from this maelstrom you’ve caused me over the past couple of years.

I Stopped Caring

I Stopped Caring

And finally I stopped caring. I stopped wondering what you were doing. I stopped wondering what you were saying. I just really don’t care anymore. And honestly, it’s quite freeing.

 

 

It Shatters You

It Shatteres You

And maybe it doesn’t make sense, maybe your gut is telling you otherwise, maybe your heart is aching and maybe you can’t stand losing it. You can’t let the world win. You just can’t let it go because it was everything you wanted and everything you wished for.

It shatters you. But because you want it so much, you want to make it right, you want to stand tall against the world and make it happen.

So you keep trying and you keep giving even if you’re getting nothing in return.

💔

Worthless

Worthless

I needed you and you weren’t there. I needed you and you made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I needed you and you didn’t love me, oh you said you did but your actions told me a different story. I needed you and you acted like I didn’t exist. I needed you and you broke me.

💔

Destruction

Destruction

I watched you destroy everything we had and I didn’t say a word because… I still loved you.

💔

I’m Confused

Confusion

Why can’t you just tell me what you feel, because how you act is confusing me.

💔

Can’t Let Love Go

Let It Go

I wish I could stop playing through scenarios of what could have been and where it all went wrong. I wish I could just move on. I wish I could just let go of you, of us.

But, in this moment, wishing for things is all there is, because reality is that in this space is where I am, I still love you.

I still wonder what made you give up, and I still resent fear for digging its claws in you and us.

💔

A Realtionship Means…

Realtionships

A relationship means that you come thogether to make each other better.

Beleive in each other. Suport each other. Build each other.

Be their peace, not their problem.

 

 

Through It All

through it all

I stayed with you through all the bullshit because I was torn between not givin up on the person I loved and coming to term with the fact that the person I loved no longer existed inside the body I was staring at everyday. And I don’t give a fuck what anyone says … that is really difficult. But, true love stays, even when things get difficult.

💔

 

Smile

smile

She’s the type of girl that can be so hurt but can still look at you and smile.

 

Sometimes

Sometimes

Sometimes, when I say I’m okay, I want you to look me in the eyes, hug me tight, and say, “I know you’re not.”

I Never Agreed to Share Your Heart

Love

I don’t want a relationship where I am suspicious of you. I don’t want to watch you flip your phone upside down when I enter the room and add a passcode just in case you leave it behind when you run to the bathroom. I don’t want to wonder who you are texting. I don’t want to be on the constant lookout for signs you are cheating.

I don’t want to deal with the baggage that comes with you cheating on me. I don’t want to feel disrespected by someone who is supposed to love me.

I would rather have you do the mature, adult thing and leave me before you come close to acting unfaithful. I would rather have you rip the Bandaid off right this second than continue to be with me while flirting with another behind my back.

I never signed up for an open relationship. I never agreed to share your heart. If you cannot give me every single sliver, then take the entire thing away. I would rather watch you leave than have you sit beside me wishing you were gone.

I should be enough for you. You should not be looking for comfort outside from me. You don’t get to be in a relationship on days off while acting single at work. You get to choose one or the other. You have to make a decision — and it should not be a difficult one.

Whether you leave me or cheat on me, you are going to hurt me, so you might as well do it in the most respectful way possible. You might as well handle my heart gently by telling me it is over.

I would rather have you leave me than cheat on me. I would rather have you break my heart the old fashioned way than pretend you care about me when you are already invested in someone else.

Voices In My Head

 

Voices in My Head

Even when I’ve learned to live with insecurities, I still am afraid that I may be losing you. I now wonder if I’m capable of meeting what you desire. Sometimes I wish I was a little different – skinniner, sexier, a gym freak – perhaps that would diminish the voices in my head. But no, I am me, not her.

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