The Choices We Make

I left last October. You pushed me away until I felt I had no other choice. I came back because you made me feel scared of the consequences of leaving.

I said back then I’d give it a year. I convinced myself plenty of times that things were getting better, that things were improving, after a magical day or week when you seemed different. But each time, it was only temporary. This cycle continues indefinitely. and this entire situation – the lack of communication, your lack of optimism and negativity, past hurts that haunt me – all of it has left me feeling stressed and teetering on the brink of depression.

It’s not as easy to catch depression as it is to catch a cold, of course — but bit-by-bit, your depression is spreading to me. I cannot – will not – allow myself to sink into that dark abyss.

It took me a year to realise this. There really is only so much that you can help someone if they aren’t at least trying. The choices you make are on you. The way you live is on you. I can only be responsible for myself and my choices.

Soul Restoration

I wanted it to work. To the point I would forgive, and accept, and ignore… until I couldn’t anymore.

Time Will Pass

I once read, “I can tell you over and over to leave the situation but you won’t until you are ready. One day you will wake up and realize that this isn’t what you want to feel like anymore and you’ll be done.”

Hard Pill to Swallow

My story put to words – when it was finally spoken after years of not telling anyone – was eye-opening. It’s messed up. Dysfunctional.

Possibilties Not Problems

IMG_2277

In the midst of the storm, look ahead and let the possibilities of the future inspire you out of the conditions of the present. Sometimes where we are may not inspire us, but we can seek inspiration from where we want to be and use that inspiration to shorten our stay where we are. Never give any situation the power to rob you of your dream. Keep telling yourself that you are great. No one can keep you down if you insist on getting up.

I Can’t Forget

We were madly in love. I believed we had a close to perfect marriage; but then I sensed some changes in your behaviour. I realised you were not being faithful to me. I was devastated.

In the process of trying to make sense of it, I felt the need to revisit your transgressions, again and again those messages play in my mind. But this is extremely hurtful, and in the process, I’ve tortured myself terribly, and repeatedly.

There is a loss of closeness between us that still exists, you had been sharing time and things with another woman, and I had been an outsider. The longer this went on the more visuals got recorded in my brain and I couldn’t forget. I can’t forget.

I’d like nothing more than to forget but you can’t not know once you know, can you? Our brains are funny like that. All this unearthed information is firmly cemented in my memory, actual mental images with which to brood and virtually relive over and over. This means it’s very difficult to progress to any kind of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is hard. Forgetting is next to impossible.

I Forgive You

i-forgive-you-do-you-forgive-me

I forgive you, I really do. I am releasing this into the universe, surrendering it all because carrying this heaviness and hurt is a poison that is slowly killing me. I’m making the choice to forgive you because I need peace in my heart.

I forgive you for not loving me the way I wanted you to, the way you told me you would in the beginning. I forgive you for not being the man I thought you were, the man you pretended to be. I forgive you for hurting me. I forgive you for not wanting me the way I wanted you. I forgive you for all these feelings of unworthiness you brought to my doorstep and left for me to clean up. (It’s going to take a long time to clean up this mess.)

I forgive you breaking my tender heart and making me feel like nothing special. I forgive you for the tears I cried, for this empty feeling in my heart. I forgive you for not being man enough to talk to me and tell me how you felt.  I forgive you for not thinking enough of me or our time together to tell me the truth.

I forgive you for it all. I will never forget though. Never.

It’s Hard To Forgive

Forgiven

Forgiveness isn’t easy. Losing someone’s trust can take as little as half a second, but gaining it back takes time. Forgiving is a lengthy process. No matter how bad you want the whole thing to be over and for everything to go back to normal, it won’t for a while. You’ll always find the thought, the memory, hidden in your mind in the most obvious place, waiting for the right time to remind you that your heart is broken and that your attempt at a smile doesn’t hide it well enough. It’s hard to forgive someone you gave everything to because you know they’ll treat it with recklessness. They’ve done it before.

I Lived to Tell the Tale

Awesome

Sweet child, all your worst fears were realized, and yet you lived through it, lived to tell the tale, now with drier eyes and a steady voice

How can you not see that as a superpower, as proof of your divine strength?

 

Forgive

Forgiveness

Forgive anyone who has caused you pain or harm. Keep in mind that forgiveness is not for others. It is for you.

Forgiving is not forgetting. It is remembering without anger. It frees up your power, heals your body, mind, and spirit.

Forgiveness opens up a pathway to a new place of peace where you can persit despite what has happened to you.

Keep Going

Keep GoingNo matter how stuck you feel.

No matter how bad things are right now.

No matter how many days you’ve spent crying.

No matter how hopeless and depressed you feel.

No matter how many days you’ve spent wishing things were different.

I promise you won’t feel this way forever.

Keep going.

 

 

Love Is… Sticking Together

Love is...

I wanted us to last. I didn’t want a few amazing years and then for it to be over in a flash.

I don’t want to experience the feeling of hurt, confusion, or disappointment again.

Someday

I am used to writing down my sorrows and joys in a journal, a simple way to record what is going on in my daily life. For quite some time they have been horrible thoughts, sad discourse, and fear of what was to happen to my broken life spilled out, along with many, many tears. The meditative writing process gave my weary mind time to rest and the space to plan out a different future than the one I’d imagined.

Betrayal hurts deeply and emotionally. From the initial discovery, to the intimate and embarrassing things he’d text her, to the realization of what I’d allowed to happen to me because I never called him out on what I knew—all of it pecked away at my sense of self.

I met with a lawyer a few months ago. She told me to leave when I felt the timing was right. While this was my initial gut reaction — I’m still here. I’m still deciding what to do and when to do it. Some day I will gather the courage to leave. Eventually, I’ll face the facts.

Just Breathe

Just Breathe

I know I’ll be okay and that eventually everything will work out. I know that what’s meant for me will happen, I know …. But I just need a minute or two to pull myself together … Because sometimes the shit life throws at me gets heavy. That’s all…

💔

To Love Someone

Day By Day

To love someone, and I mean really love someone, is to love them on the hardest of days. When the odds are stacked against you. When neither of you is in your finest hour.

I’m Still Here

Strength

I’m still healing from heartbreak but I have chosen to stay. There is strength in staying, in living in the uncomfortable space that is all around me. I have chosen to stay and show up for myself instead of chasing the next thrill of adventure to numb the pain of heartbreak. I have chosen to find strength in patience. It still hurts, I’m still uncomfortable, I’m slowly accepting things for what they are instead of letting go.

I’m still raw, but I’m also still here.

Sit & Think

Sit & Think

Have you ever just sat and thought, “Fuck, I’ve been through a lot of shit.”

Sometimes

Sometimes

Sometimes I think about when we used to talk. We’d talk about dreams and fears and how real change could happen with a little time. But now more than a little time has gone by and now we don’t talk anymore. I try to remember all the things I wanted then. And all the things I want now and what’s different and what’s the same. I sometimes miss that dreaming we would do when we still talking. Before the avalanche came down and everything changed. When I believed in you and thought you believed in me.

Because even if things were wrong then and I knew about it, I didn’t yet know the full extent. I couldn’t possibly have. And even if I was without that knowledge, ignorant me was happy with the dreaming. She was happy with the talking. Sometimes those are the things we’re willing to trade. Talking instead of silence. Dysfunction instead of truth. Dreaming instead of leaving. A happy me for a happier you.

You can’t pick and choose the things you want in a person, but if I could, I’d pick the you who would let me rest my head on his chest and tell me the things he wanted to do.

End of a Love Story

Love Story

I wanted to live happily ever after. I wanted to cook breakfast with you in the mornings and fall asleep with you in the evenings. I wanted to see what you looked like with grey hair. I had so much more planned for us and I feel like our love story ended prematurely.

Our story hasn’t officially ended…. yet.

Oh Happy Day!!!

original_4c6760e7592561fe712335b913ced83c

Today I heard some news that made me want to jump with joy… they are having a baby.

My heart feels light for a change. The weight of the stress has been lifted and I can breathe a sigh of relief.

It will never be the same as it once was – I was hurt too deeply. I am so ready to move on from this maelstrom you’ve caused me over the past couple of years.

It Shatters You

It Shatteres You

And maybe it doesn’t make sense, maybe your gut is telling you otherwise, maybe your heart is aching and maybe you can’t stand losing it. You can’t let the world win. You just can’t let it go because it was everything you wanted and everything you wished for.

It shatters you. But because you want it so much, you want to make it right, you want to stand tall against the world and make it happen.

So you keep trying and you keep giving even if you’re getting nothing in return.

💔

Destruction

Destruction

I watched you destroy everything we had and I didn’t say a word because… I still loved you.

💔

Can’t Let Love Go

Let It Go

I wish I could stop playing through scenarios of what could have been and where it all went wrong. I wish I could just move on. I wish I could just let go of you, of us.

But, in this moment, wishing for things is all there is, because reality is that in this space is where I am, I still love you.

I still wonder what made you give up, and I still resent fear for digging its claws in you and us.

💔

A Realtionship Means…

Realtionships

A relationship means that you come thogether to make each other better.

Beleive in each other. Suport each other. Build each other.

Be their peace, not their problem.

 

 

Through It All

through it all

I stayed with you through all the bullshit because I was torn between not givin up on the person I loved and coming to term with the fact that the person I loved no longer existed inside the body I was staring at everyday. And I don’t give a fuck what anyone says … that is really difficult. But, true love stays, even when things get difficult.

💔

 

Worst Feeling Ever

Seeing someone slowly lose interest in you is probably one of the worst feelings ever.

💔

 

In the Silence

In the Silence

And in the silence I suddenly understood the many ways a person can die but still be alive.

💔

Phubbing

Phubbing

Phubbing: the habit of snubbing someone in favour of a mobile phone

 

One day she’ll get tired.

You’ll know when that day comes.

It will be the day you feel as ignored as she did.

💔

 

 

Game of Love

Love

Looks like I won “the I love you more” game.

One I would have gladly given anything to lose.

💔

Simple Love

Simple Love

I miss when love felt simple. When love was without thought and without worry. I miss when love felt as natural and as easy as breathing, when everything we did and everything we said was out of love.

I miss when love was not a list of reasons why I should stay and why I should go, neither of them winning, neither of them making sense. I miss when love was not tangled up in resentment and hurt, and anger.

I miss when you were the answer to every question, not the one creating them. I miss when love was not a game of secrets when I had to play detective to uncover your latest crime. I miss when you told me things before I discovered them, I miss when there was never anything to discover in the first place. I miss when your phone did not feel like a loaded weapon, when it did not feel like something which would go off and rip my entire world apart. I miss when female names did not feel like stab wounds to my chest. I miss when I was not convinced you wanted to fuck her. I miss calmness inside my body instead of this twisting, sickening feeling like I’m hurtling towards the ground.

I miss when love felt simple. When love was exactly what I had spent my whole life knowing it to be. I miss when love was just happiness and contentment when our love was the definition of the word. I miss when I knew that what I felt and what we shared was love. It was easier that way, certain, concrete. Love meant you and me forever, for always.

But now, I’m not sure what love is, I’m not even sure it lives with us anymore. I miss when love was not tears and silent treatment. When love was not locking myself in the bathroom and sobbing so much my chest felt as if it might collapse. I miss when love was not this, not hurtful, not pain. I miss when love felt like love, like flying, like freedom. I miss when love did not feel like a knife carving away at me, taking pieces of me, making me come apart.

I miss when love felt simple.

💔

 

One Million Views

OMGoodness, I’m so frigging surprised right now. My blog  has been viewed over a million times! At the time of posting this has been viewed 1,000,022 times. A huge thanks to everyone who keeps visiting andimissyou.

It started out as a happy blog about love but the last few months it’s turned into a sad blog about a breaking relationship. People say that marriage isn’t easy and you have your ups and downs. Well, mine is definitely experiencing a low point.

If you are fortunate enough to share your life with someone you love, then you owe it to yourself and your partner to make an effort every day in your relationship.

They say love conquers all and that all you need is love, but unfortunately a solid relationship needs more than that. It requires being there for each other, giving support, showing love, feeling loved, being grateful that you are sharing your lives together, and above all, showing your appreciation every day.

Never stop trying to keep the love alive because once one person stops trying, it’s the beginning of the end.

Too Much, Too Little

A relationship fails from the lies and the deceit and the betrayal and the hurt and the pain. There are no excuses, reasons, no ways around it. One person forgets to recognise the effort, the trials, the fighting for one another. You forget that she has put up with all of your faults, your imperfections,  all your ugly-parts-that-nobody-would-ever-accept.

I never wanted to give up— in terms of on you or us. I never wanted to give up because I knew you in ways that you didn’t think I did. I knew your past, your secrets. You knew all of mine. We opened each other up and scrutinized and examined and took what we wanted and ran away with what only we needed.

What you loved more than me hurt me constantly and instead of trying to make you change, I tried to adapt to them and in the process, lost myself and my morals, my priorities, my wants and needs. And in turn, I lost my way. And I’ve realised I allowed myself to put your happiness above my own.

And it sits here, in this room, it takes up so much space and I just watch it day to day wondering if life would have been better. If you would have ever put me above it.

Patience Has a Limit

I’m a very patient person but this has been going on long enough. It’s time. Time for you to break up with the work gf.

I thought that this infatuation would have run its course by now. But I have come to realise the infatuation has turned into full blown obsession.

My patience has worn thin. Time for you stop behaving like a single man. Lest you become one.

💔

Penny For Your Thoughts

 

Penny For Your Thoughts

And I can’t believe I hadn’t realized that when we spent all those moments together she was in the back of your mind the whole fucking time.

💔

People Change

People Change

She used to call him her “life.” So what happen then? Well, her “life” changed.

People change.

Even the devil was an angel once.

💔

Happy 7th Anniversary

happy-anniversary

Seven years…. it seems like only yesterday we said “I do”. Love you just as much now as I did then.

Together

together

When we get to the end of our lives together, the house we had, the cars we drove, the things we owned, none of that will matter. What will matter is, I had you and you had me.

Love Life

love

We are not victims of sickness and aging. These are part of the scenery in life.

It Never Ends

forever

I love you, love you, love you,
love-love-love-love-love-love-love you,
yes, I love you, truly love you,
oh, I love you very much.

 

Hand in Hand

hand-in-hand

Penguins are monogamous, often having one mate for a lifetime. Death of their life partner is about the only circumstance that causes them to search for a new mate.

 

Love of My Life

Love of My Life

I only want to be with you two times…

Now and forever.

 

True Love

True Love

True love is not a onetime event, it’s a journey.

Hearts

Hearts

I was drawn to you the moment we met. I believe we knew each other in a previous life. Sounds crazy eh.

Happy 6th Anniversary

Happy 6 anniversaryTime is much sweeter when I spend it with you.

Detached

Detached

My brain cells are swimming in murky, uneventful, unfulfilled-infested waters. I am in need of some cerebral adrenaline rush. Where we were seems to have been buried so deep into the soil that I almost don’t remember how it was. I feel we are unconnected. I stay mostly quiet now. There’s nothing much to say. Except, observe. I wish I could be as detached as you are. The past few months don’t seem to have rattled you at all. But that has always been our difference.

We need this vacation next month to recharge and reconnect as a couple. With no distractions. Just becoming close again.

 

Always

large

I love you more every day and look forward to our future.

Always You

Always

I always think of you before I fall asleep. The words you said, the way you look. The silent moments we share. Because it’s about you. It’s always about you.

Expressions of Love

Expressions of Love

I will never be able to adequately express just how much you mean to me.  I don’t think they have invented an actual word for how much I love you yet.  I only hope, for the rest of our lives, you will always know just how much you mean to me, how deeply in love with you I am, and how lucky I feel to have you as my husband.

And The Years Go By

And The Years Go By

After all of these years, you are still the most wonderful man I know.

I Love You Because

I Love You Because

 

I love you because every cell of my body responds to your touch, to your look, to the way you move and the way you sound. I love you because something, somewhere, directed me to you. Through the paths we have taken to one another, I have loved you. I’ve played in comfortable places among comfortable people until I had no choice but to leave there to come to you here.

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