My story put to words – when it was finally spoken after years of not telling anyone – was eye-opening. It’s messed up. Dysfunctional.
What I Want
Good Great sex is a plus but … I want to feel beautiful, wanted, loved and appreciated. I want to be “in love.” I want a mutual understanding that we are on a mission to keep love alove. I want to never go to bed angry. I want conversations, communication, fun and unconditional love.
♡
I Can’t Forget
We were madly in love. I believed we had a close to perfect marriage; but then I sensed some changes in your behaviour. I realised you were not being faithful to me. I was devastated.
In the process of trying to make sense of it, I felt the need to revisit your transgressions, again and again those messages play in my mind. But this is extremely hurtful, and in the process, I’ve tortured myself terribly, and repeatedly.
There is a loss of closeness between us that still exists, you had been sharing time and things with another woman, and I had been an outsider. The longer this went on the more visuals got recorded in my brain and I couldn’t forget. I can’t forget.
I’d like nothing more than to forget but you can’t not know once you know, can you? Our brains are funny like that. All this unearthed information is firmly cemented in my memory, actual mental images with which to brood and virtually relive over and over. This means it’s very difficult to progress to any kind of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is hard. Forgetting is next to impossible.
I Forgive You
I forgive you, I really do. I am releasing this into the universe, surrendering it all because carrying this heaviness and hurt is a poison that is slowly killing me. I’m making the choice to forgive you because I need peace in my heart.
I forgive you for not loving me the way I wanted you to, the way you told me you would in the beginning. I forgive you for not being the man I thought you were, the man you pretended to be. I forgive you for hurting me. I forgive you for not wanting me the way I wanted you. I forgive you for all these feelings of unworthiness you brought to my doorstep and left for me to clean up. (It’s going to take a long time to clean up this mess.)
I forgive you breaking my tender heart and making me feel like nothing special. I forgive you for the tears I cried, for this empty feeling in my heart. I forgive you for not being man enough to talk to me and tell me how you felt. I forgive you for not thinking enough of me or our time together to tell me the truth.
I forgive you for it all. I will never forget though. Never.
I Lived to Tell the Tale
Sweet child, all your worst fears were realized, and yet you lived through it, lived to tell the tale, now with drier eyes and a steady voice
How can you not see that as a superpower, as proof of your divine strength?
I Found Inner Strength
Being strong is love someone in silence. To radiate happiness when we are unhappy. To forgive someone who does not deserve forgiveness. To stay calm in moments of despair. To show joy when we don’t feel it. To smile when you want to cry. To make someone happy when our own heart is broken. To be silent when we feel like screaming our anguish. To comfort when we need to be comforted. And to have faith when sometimes we no longer believe.
♡
Just Breathe
I know I’ll be okay and that eventually everything will work out. I know that what’s meant for me will happen, I know …. But I just need a minute or two to pull myself together … Because sometimes the shit life throws at me gets heavy. That’s all…
💔
Forgive
It took me a long time to understand what it means to forgive someone.
I always wondered how I could forgive someone who chose to hurt me. But after a lot of soul searching, I realized that forgiveness isn’t about accepting or excusing their behaviour…. it’s about letting it go and preventing their behaviour from destroying me heart.
♡
I’m Still Here
I’m still healing from heartbreak but I have chosen to stay. There is strength in staying, in living in the uncomfortable space that is all around me. I have chosen to stay and show up for myself instead of chasing the next thrill of adventure to numb the pain of heartbreak. I have chosen to find strength in patience. It still hurts, I’m still uncomfortable, I’m slowly accepting things for what they are instead of letting go.
I’m still raw, but I’m also still here.
♡
Sometimes
Sometimes I think about when we used to talk. We’d talk about dreams and fears and how real change could happen with a little time. But now more than a little time has gone by and now we don’t talk anymore. I try to remember all the things I wanted then. And all the things I want now and what’s different and what’s the same. I sometimes miss that dreaming we would do when we still talking. Before the avalanche came down and everything changed. When I believed in you and thought you believed in me.
Because even if things were wrong then and I knew about it, I didn’t yet know the full extent. I couldn’t possibly have. And even if I was without that knowledge, ignorant me was happy with the dreaming. She was happy with the talking. Sometimes those are the things we’re willing to trade. Talking instead of silence. Dysfunction instead of truth. Dreaming instead of leaving. A happy me for a happier you.
You can’t pick and choose the things you want in a person, but if I could, I’d pick the you who would let me rest my head on his chest and tell me the things he wanted to do.
♡
I Stopped Caring
And finally I stopped caring. I stopped wondering what you were doing. I stopped wondering what you were saying. I just really don’t care anymore. And honestly, it’s quite freeing.
♡
Worthless
I needed you and you weren’t there. I needed you and you made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I needed you and you didn’t love me, oh you said you did but your actions told me a different story. I needed you and you acted like I didn’t exist. I needed you and you broke me.
💔
Can’t Let Love Go
I wish I could stop playing through scenarios of what could have been and where it all went wrong. I wish I could just move on. I wish I could just let go of you, of us.
But, in this moment, wishing for things is all there is, because reality is that in this space is where I am, I still love you.
I still wonder what made you give up, and I still resent fear for digging its claws in you and us.
💔
Sometimes
Sometimes, when I say I’m okay, I want you to look me in the eyes, hug me tight, and say, “I know you’re not.”
♡
Voices In My Head
Even when I’ve learned to live with insecurities, I still am afraid that I may be losing you. I now wonder if I’m capable of meeting what you desire. Sometimes I wish I was a little different – skinniner, sexier, a gym freak – perhaps that would diminish the voices in my head. But no, I am me, not her.
Enough
Cheating, most of us have been there. You don’t ever see it coming because it’s the small things that build up over time that invite the toxicity into your life.
Shock, anger, rage, and sadness infiltrated my mind along with the usual dosages of self-doubt. Was I not pretty enough? Was I not smart enough? Where did I go wrong? What did she have that I didn’t have? What was I lacking that would make him want to stray…
ENOUGH.
Enough is enough. I sulked in that pity party for far too long when I decided to reach up and slap myself in the face. You are not a reflection of someone else’s decision to be unfaithful. Your self-worth is not bound to their confusion and lack of appreciation for you.
Life is 10 percent of what happens to you and 90 percent of how you react to it. Life is going to happen and heartbreak is inevitable. Use these seasons of hardship as the fuel you need to set ablaze the fire that will ignite you into a better future.
♡
In the Silence
And in the silence I suddenly understood the many ways a person can die but still be alive.
💔
Maybe, Just Maybe
With time I came to see, that the frantic, broken, anxious, unhinged version of me was nothing to be ashamed of. I was simply a kindhearted person reacting to a very unkind situation.
💔
Simple Love
I miss when love felt simple. When love was without thought and without worry. I miss when love felt as natural and as easy as breathing, when everything we did and everything we said was out of love.
I miss when love was not a list of reasons why I should stay and why I should go, neither of them winning, neither of them making sense. I miss when love was not tangled up in resentment and hurt, and anger.
I miss when you were the answer to every question, not the one creating them. I miss when love was not a game of secrets when I had to play detective to uncover your latest crime. I miss when you told me things before I discovered them, I miss when there was never anything to discover in the first place. I miss when your phone did not feel like a loaded weapon, when it did not feel like something which would go off and rip my entire world apart. I miss when female names did not feel like stab wounds to my chest. I miss when I was not convinced you wanted to fuck her. I miss calmness inside my body instead of this twisting, sickening feeling like I’m hurtling towards the ground.
I miss when love felt simple. When love was exactly what I had spent my whole life knowing it to be. I miss when love was just happiness and contentment when our love was the definition of the word. I miss when I knew that what I felt and what we shared was love. It was easier that way, certain, concrete. Love meant you and me forever, for always.
But now, I’m not sure what love is, I’m not even sure it lives with us anymore. I miss when love was not tears and silent treatment. When love was not locking myself in the bathroom and sobbing so much my chest felt as if it might collapse. I miss when love was not this, not hurtful, not pain. I miss when love felt like love, like flying, like freedom. I miss when love did not feel like a knife carving away at me, taking pieces of me, making me come apart.
I miss when love felt simple.
💔
Feelings
I don’t want to feel anything. At all. But sometimes the feelings attack me so hard I can’t ignore them anymore. They push and push and push, until they finally come through, and then, usually, I run. I can’t bear to deal with them, and I certainly can’t deal with the feelings that come after.
What I Want
You want to be the last person he thinks about before he falls asleep. You want to be his first thought when he wakes up. You want to be the one he texts or calls when he’s bored.
Sadly, I’m not that one anymore.
Broken Trust
I trusted you….
That’s all I want to say.
💔
Beautiful
She just wants to be beautiful
Yet she goes unnoticed
Everything
When I tell you I love you, I mean that with every part of my heart, because my heart belongs to you. It’s not much but it’s everything I have.
♥
Promises
I can’t promise you the world, I can’t promise you the sky, I can’t promise you that we will never fight, I can’t promise you that I will never cry.
But I can promise you that I will always be true to you. I promise to never hurt you and never break your heart. I promise to always care for you. And I promise that I will always love you more than anything with all my heart, no matter what happens or what we go through, baby I’ll love you until the end of time!
♥
And When I Dream
I always think of you before I fall asleep. The words you said, the way you looked. The things we laughed about, the silent moments we shared. And when I dream, I’ll dream of you. Because it’s about you, it’s always about you.
♡
She Loves Me
I do love both of those things but I love you most of all.
♥
Ripples
Your touch does to me what a pebble would do when dropped into the calm waters of a lake. You send ripples through my body.
♥
In Your Heart
Before you, I knew that I would never be suited for a conventional love relationship. How could a woman who exists mostly in her own inner world, so tightly controlled, ever share a life with another person — until “death do us part,” no less? Every attempt I’d ever made at normal had failed miserably. I am too complicated, too particular, too anal as you put it.
But when I curl into your chest’s concave spot that is just my shape and size, and you wrap your arms around me, and you whisper, “I love you, sweetheart,” I don’t think you realize that I have found my safe and peaceful space in your heart — my happiest, hope-filled place. And my inner world isn’t just mine anymore. It’s yours, too.
♥
Detached
My brain cells are swimming in murky, uneventful, unfulfilled-infested waters. I am in need of some cerebral adrenaline rush. Where we were seems to have been buried so deep into the soil that I almost don’t remember how it was. I feel we are unconnected. I stay mostly quiet now. There’s nothing much to say. Except, observe. I wish I could be as detached as you are. The past few months don’t seem to have rattled you at all. But that has always been our difference.
We need this vacation next month to recharge and reconnect as a couple. With no distractions. Just becoming close again.
♥
For Future Reference
This is what to say when I’m a big, teary mess.
♥
That Kind of Kiss
I want the kind of kiss that takes my breath away, makes my skin feel electrified and leaves me feeling dizzy & drunk.
♥
Let’s Talk
The conversation between your fingers and my skin is the most important discussion you can ever have.
♥
Tasty
I taste you and realise I’ve been starving.
♥
Kiss Me
You have lips. I have lips. Interesting….
♥
I Love You Because
I love you because every cell of my body responds to your touch, to your look, to the way you move and the way you sound. I love you because something, somewhere, directed me to you. Through the paths we have taken to one another, I have loved you. I’ve played in comfortable places among comfortable people until I had no choice but to leave there to come to you here.
♥
Magical Love
It’s not my love for you that makes you special. It’s the magical feeling that I get while talking to you or while being together with you.
♥
Because
I am always amazed at how little people actually understand of the word love. Our world today mistakes love for a feeling. But that is not love. My love for you is coloured with feelings but it is rooted in action. A colour photograph is nice, but a black and white one has a charm all of its own. People are always quick to say I love you because. But, I don’t love you because of anything. I just love you. Because that’s just it – there is no because apart from this: I love you because I choose to; because I see the special person that you are. You are so worthy to be loved, for no other reason but that you are. And I am so thankful to be the person whose job it is to love you.
♥
Forgive Me
I promised to spend the rest of my life with you. I promised to love, comfort, honor and keep you for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful only to you so long as we both shall live. I promised. And I promise again.
Forgive me for the times when I haven’t been patient; when I’ve snapped at you or gotten frustrated.
Forgive me for when I haven’t been kind; when my tongue has been quicker and sharper than my head or my heart.
Forgive me for the times when I celebrate my victories over you; when I proudly say “I’m always right” and forget to be humble.
Forgive me for those times when I’ve been rude and please forgive me for the many times when I’ve been selfish; when I have sought love instead of offering it.
And, oh my love, forgive me for those times when I get angry quickly and for the times that I let that anger fester and let the anger grow bigger and bitter.
Finally, forgive me when I don’t spend every last breath protecting the man that you are, when I don’t trust you with all that I have, and for the times that I look to the future with worry instead of with hope. I need your forgiveness for these, and for all the future times. that I have and will fail and break my promise to you.
♥
Good Things Come To Those Who Wait
You were like “Wait? One more day?”…
My reaction to that?
Without You
Without You – my mind stops thinking.
Without you – my lips stop speaking.
Without you – my night are sleepless.
Without you – my eyes stop dreaming.
Without you – my ears stop hearing.
Without you – my heart beats in distress.
I never want to be without you.
♥
You Make My Heart Sing
You make my heart melt, and my stomach fill with butterflies. You leave me speechless. And yet full of laughter. You are such an incredible person. I love you!
♥
1000 Posts
This is my thousandth post. My thousandth.
I can’t really get my head around that number. There are few things, short of actions taken to sustain my existence, that I have done a thousand times. Seriously, doing a thousand of anything is a lot.
My first post was November 12, 2009. Back then I never considered that I would write one thousand posts about love, you, and our relationship. Here’s to 1000 more.
I love you.
♥
I Just Knew
The first time you touched me, I knew I was born to be yours.
♥
Smile
You make me laugh when I don’t even want to smile.
♥
Spread Love
You have infected me. My body and my soul. Every second of every day is spent dreaming of my time with you. The times we have had, the times we’re having and the times we will have. You are truly the center of my universe. I love you more deeply than words can express.
♥
On My Mind
I’m at work but all I can think about is being home, sleeping soundly next to you.
♥
Eyes Wide Shut
We all automatically close our eyes when we experience something beautiful like a happy dream or an intimate kiss. Whenever I close my eyes all I see is YOU!
♥
Love Life
You are like a breath of fresh air after years in a dark cave. You’ve filled me with life and I hope to do the same for you.
♥
Live Love Dream
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