A big part of a relationship is learning to have those uncomfortable conversations you always run away from.
Time Will Pass
I once read, “I can tell you over and over to leave the situation but you won’t until you are ready. One day you will wake up and realize that this isn’t what you want to feel like anymore and you’ll be done.”
Hard Pill to Swallow
My story put to words – when it was finally spoken after years of not telling anyone – was eye-opening. It’s messed up. Dysfunctional.
I Forgive You
I forgive you, I really do. I am releasing this into the universe, surrendering it all because carrying this heaviness and hurt is a poison that is slowly killing me. I’m making the choice to forgive you because I need peace in my heart.
I forgive you for not loving me the way I wanted you to, the way you told me you would in the beginning. I forgive you for not being the man I thought you were, the man you pretended to be. I forgive you for hurting me. I forgive you for not wanting me the way I wanted you. I forgive you for all these feelings of unworthiness you brought to my doorstep and left for me to clean up. (It’s going to take a long time to clean up this mess.)
I forgive you breaking my tender heart and making me feel like nothing special. I forgive you for the tears I cried, for this empty feeling in my heart. I forgive you for not being man enough to talk to me and tell me how you felt. I forgive you for not thinking enough of me or our time together to tell me the truth.
I forgive you for it all. I will never forget though. Never.
It’s Hard To Forgive
Forgiveness isn’t easy. Losing someone’s trust can take as little as half a second, but gaining it back takes time. Forgiving is a lengthy process. No matter how bad you want the whole thing to be over and for everything to go back to normal, it won’t for a while. You’ll always find the thought, the memory, hidden in your mind in the most obvious place, waiting for the right time to remind you that your heart is broken and that your attempt at a smile doesn’t hide it well enough. It’s hard to forgive someone you gave everything to because you know they’ll treat it with recklessness. They’ve done it before.
I Lived to Tell the Tale
Sweet child, all your worst fears were realized, and yet you lived through it, lived to tell the tale, now with drier eyes and a steady voice
How can you not see that as a superpower, as proof of your divine strength?
Keep Going
No matter how stuck you feel.
No matter how bad things are right now.
No matter how many days you’ve spent crying.
No matter how hopeless and depressed you feel.
No matter how many days you’ve spent wishing things were different.
I promise you won’t feel this way forever.
Keep going.
I Found Inner Strength
Being strong is love someone in silence. To radiate happiness when we are unhappy. To forgive someone who does not deserve forgiveness. To stay calm in moments of despair. To show joy when we don’t feel it. To smile when you want to cry. To make someone happy when our own heart is broken. To be silent when we feel like screaming our anguish. To comfort when we need to be comforted. And to have faith when sometimes we no longer believe.
♡
Someday
I am used to writing down my sorrows and joys in a journal, a simple way to record what is going on in my daily life. For quite some time they have been horrible thoughts, sad discourse, and fear of what was to happen to my broken life spilled out, along with many, many tears. The meditative writing process gave my weary mind time to rest and the space to plan out a different future than the one I’d imagined.
Betrayal hurts deeply and emotionally. From the initial discovery, to the intimate and embarrassing things he’d text her, to the realization of what I’d allowed to happen to me because I never called him out on what I knew—all of it pecked away at my sense of self.
I met with a lawyer a few months ago. She told me to leave when I felt the timing was right. While this was my initial gut reaction — I’m still here. I’m still deciding what to do and when to do it. Some day I will gather the courage to leave. Eventually, I’ll face the facts.
Forgive
It took me a long time to understand what it means to forgive someone.
I always wondered how I could forgive someone who chose to hurt me. But after a lot of soul searching, I realized that forgiveness isn’t about accepting or excusing their behaviour…. it’s about letting it go and preventing their behaviour from destroying me heart.
♡
Just Talk
I respect a person who is vocal.
Tell me why you’re into me. Tell me why I pissed you off and tell me how I can fix it.
Tell me everything. Talk.
♡
Happy 8th Anniversary
The past year has been really rough on our marriage, I honestly didn’t think we’d make it to #8. But we did, we made it past the seven-year itch.
♥
Sit & Think
Have you ever just sat and thought, “Fuck, I’ve been through a lot of shit.”
♡
You Were Lost
It’s so easy to love someone when things are perfect and everything’s wonderful. But to love someone when things are difficult, when they’re not being perfect, when they’re messing up, flaws are seen, mistakes are made – I think that’s what really allows you to see how much love is really there.
Anyone can love someone who is doing and saying all the right things but to love someone when they are lost, when you’re willing to stand by them no matter how challenging or difficult things may be, I think that kind of love is real.
Oh Happy Day!!!
Today I heard some news that made me want to jump with joy… they are having a baby.
My heart feels light for a change. The weight of the stress has been lifted and I can breathe a sigh of relief.
It will never be the same as it once was – I was hurt too deeply. I am so ready to move on from this maelstrom you’ve caused me over the past couple of years.
I Stopped Caring
And finally I stopped caring. I stopped wondering what you were doing. I stopped wondering what you were saying. I just really don’t care anymore. And honestly, it’s quite freeing.
♡
Worthless
I needed you and you weren’t there. I needed you and you made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I needed you and you didn’t love me, oh you said you did but your actions told me a different story. I needed you and you acted like I didn’t exist. I needed you and you broke me.
💔
A Realtionship Means…
A relationship means that you come thogether to make each other better.
Beleive in each other. Suport each other. Build each other.
Be their peace, not their problem.
♡
When You Fall In Love
When I was in university my psychology professor said:
“When you fall in love with someone you aren’t interested in anyone else. If you are, you aren’t in love.”
I think everyone needs to hear that.
I’m Not Perfect
Keep in mind that you’re never going to find someone who is perfect or a perfect match. Because the truth is, you’re not perfect. And you never will be. And you know what? Neither is anyone else. You’re only going to find other flawed human beings who are going to do their best to love you. Try and accept and appreciate less than perfection. You’ll find it easier to find love that way.
Enough
Cheating, most of us have been there. You don’t ever see it coming because it’s the small things that build up over time that invite the toxicity into your life.
Shock, anger, rage, and sadness infiltrated my mind along with the usual dosages of self-doubt. Was I not pretty enough? Was I not smart enough? Where did I go wrong? What did she have that I didn’t have? What was I lacking that would make him want to stray…
ENOUGH.
Enough is enough. I sulked in that pity party for far too long when I decided to reach up and slap myself in the face. You are not a reflection of someone else’s decision to be unfaithful. Your self-worth is not bound to their confusion and lack of appreciation for you.
Life is 10 percent of what happens to you and 90 percent of how you react to it. Life is going to happen and heartbreak is inevitable. Use these seasons of hardship as the fuel you need to set ablaze the fire that will ignite you into a better future.
♡
In the Silence
And in the silence I suddenly understood the many ways a person can die but still be alive.
💔
Why I’m a Bitch
Because every time I call you out on your shit, you flip it the fuck around and make it seem like I’m the one at fault. The majority of the time you KNOW you did something wrong but are too big of a dick to admit it.
💔
Simple Love
I miss when love felt simple. When love was without thought and without worry. I miss when love felt as natural and as easy as breathing, when everything we did and everything we said was out of love.
I miss when love was not a list of reasons why I should stay and why I should go, neither of them winning, neither of them making sense. I miss when love was not tangled up in resentment and hurt, and anger.
I miss when you were the answer to every question, not the one creating them. I miss when love was not a game of secrets when I had to play detective to uncover your latest crime. I miss when you told me things before I discovered them, I miss when there was never anything to discover in the first place. I miss when your phone did not feel like a loaded weapon, when it did not feel like something which would go off and rip my entire world apart. I miss when female names did not feel like stab wounds to my chest. I miss when I was not convinced you wanted to fuck her. I miss calmness inside my body instead of this twisting, sickening feeling like I’m hurtling towards the ground.
I miss when love felt simple. When love was exactly what I had spent my whole life knowing it to be. I miss when love was just happiness and contentment when our love was the definition of the word. I miss when I knew that what I felt and what we shared was love. It was easier that way, certain, concrete. Love meant you and me forever, for always.
But now, I’m not sure what love is, I’m not even sure it lives with us anymore. I miss when love was not tears and silent treatment. When love was not locking myself in the bathroom and sobbing so much my chest felt as if it might collapse. I miss when love was not this, not hurtful, not pain. I miss when love felt like love, like flying, like freedom. I miss when love did not feel like a knife carving away at me, taking pieces of me, making me come apart.
I miss when love felt simple.
💔
One Million Views
OMGoodness, I’m so frigging surprised right now. My blog has been viewed over a million times! At the time of posting this has been viewed 1,000,022 times. A huge thanks to everyone who keeps visiting andimissyou.
It started out as a happy blog about love but the last few months it’s turned into a sad blog about a breaking relationship. People say that marriage isn’t easy and you have your ups and downs. Well, mine is definitely experiencing a low point.
If you are fortunate enough to share your life with someone you love, then you owe it to yourself and your partner to make an effort every day in your relationship.
They say love conquers all and that all you need is love, but unfortunately a solid relationship needs more than that. It requires being there for each other, giving support, showing love, feeling loved, being grateful that you are sharing your lives together, and above all, showing your appreciation every day.
Never stop trying to keep the love alive because once one person stops trying, it’s the beginning of the end.
Too Much, Too Little
A relationship fails from the lies and the deceit and the betrayal and the hurt and the pain. There are no excuses, reasons, no ways around it. One person forgets to recognise the effort, the trials, the fighting for one another. You forget that she has put up with all of your faults, your imperfections, all your ugly-parts-that-nobody-would-ever-accept.
I never wanted to give up— in terms of on you or us. I never wanted to give up because I knew you in ways that you didn’t think I did. I knew your past, your secrets. You knew all of mine. We opened each other up and scrutinized and examined and took what we wanted and ran away with what only we needed.
What you loved more than me hurt me constantly and instead of trying to make you change, I tried to adapt to them and in the process, lost myself and my morals, my priorities, my wants and needs. And in turn, I lost my way. And I’ve realised I allowed myself to put your happiness above my own.
And it sits here, in this room, it takes up so much space and I just watch it day to day wondering if life would have been better. If you would have ever put me above it.
In the End
Here you are – hurting, waiting, wanting for something to change. You ask yourself about a hundred times, is it something you said? Maybe. And then you ask yourself a thousand more times, is it something you did? Possibly.
But in the end – yes. It’s always your fault, never ever his. Because you are settling with this mentality – it’s not you, it’s me.
And you are willing to swallow your pride, than hurt his ego. And you choose not to break your silence, even though you know you are free to call him out on the bullshit he’s blatantly putting you through. And you can’t find the courage in your heart and the wisdom in every fiber of your mind to simply – walk away. Why?
💔
Privacy vs Secrecy
Positive Side of Secrecy: One spouse carries out some activities very secretly and it doesn’t have negative impact in married life. For example, secretly buying a ticket for holiday trip or planning an evening out without the knowledge of other partner but the secret results in a stronger relationship. Actually the motive behind these secrets are the care and thinking about the other partner and their happiness. In true sense, these are not called secrets but surprises.
Negative Side of Secrecy: There are circumstances when the love, trust and mutual respect is brutally dishonored by one or the other. This is happens when one spouse starts an element of secrecy, hiding something from other partner deliberately, something that would hurt the other partner. The secrecy is maintained by the person purposefully in order to keep the things concealed and mislead the other partner. But the matters can’t be hidden for long and soon the person being deceived finds out and they are naturally shocked and feel betrayed.
A partner, who is betrayed in marriage, may never recover from its wrong impacts.
What I Want
You want to be the last person he thinks about before he falls asleep. You want to be his first thought when he wakes up. You want to be the one he texts or calls when he’s bored.
Sadly, I’m not that one anymore.
When I Realised
Even when I realised I could no longer trust you, I still could not keep myself from loving you. Even when I realised you didn’t deserve me, I still felt like I deserved you. Because I had already given so much of me, and invested so much time and energy into “us” that it didn’t seem fair to walk away with nothing.
💔
That Man
Every girl needs a man … the kind that will treat you right as well as others; the kind that has respect for himself, family & others.
The kind that searches for you with his heart; the kind that can be trusted alone with a room full of many other beautiful ladies; the kind that will never cheat on you cause he knows he’s got all he wants and needs already.
The kind of man that wants to be your friend. The kind that doesn’t mind calling you early in the morning to say good morning and late at night to say good night; the kind that will do anything for you, even if it’s just to buy your favourite kind of candy.
One that texts you just to tell you that he loves you and misses you a lot. The kind that appreciates you for the things you do for him, even if they’re little. The kind that is willing to wait for you when you’re falling behind, the kind that will actually open the door for you, take you out on dates once in a while, get groceries with you without complaining, and buy you flowers cause it’s a Wednesday.
The kind that reminds you that he loves you and that he’s happy with you in case you forget, the kind that just doesn’t want kisses but hugs too. The kind that calls you “beautiful” sometimes. The kind that kisses your forehead when you’re down, the kind that will go through thick & thin for and with you.
The kind that just loves you just for who you are.
Broken Trust
I trusted you….
That’s all I want to say.
💔
Love Is….
… love is a verb not a noun.
Love is the action we take daily, moment by moment and year by year.
And we are all judged by our actions.
And When I Dream
I always think of you before I fall asleep. The words you said, the way you looked. The things we laughed about, the silent moments we shared. And when I dream, I’ll dream of you. Because it’s about you, it’s always about you.
♡
Hearts
I was drawn to you the moment we met. I believe we knew each other in a previous life. Sounds crazy eh.
♥
Detached
My brain cells are swimming in murky, uneventful, unfulfilled-infested waters. I am in need of some cerebral adrenaline rush. Where we were seems to have been buried so deep into the soil that I almost don’t remember how it was. I feel we are unconnected. I stay mostly quiet now. There’s nothing much to say. Except, observe. I wish I could be as detached as you are. The past few months don’t seem to have rattled you at all. But that has always been our difference.
We need this vacation next month to recharge and reconnect as a couple. With no distractions. Just becoming close again.
♥
Reason
So happy you are in my life.
♥
Expectations
Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.
💔
I Love You Because
I love you because every cell of my body responds to your touch, to your look, to the way you move and the way you sound. I love you because something, somewhere, directed me to you. Through the paths we have taken to one another, I have loved you. I’ve played in comfortable places among comfortable people until I had no choice but to leave there to come to you here.
♥
Happy Anniversary
Five years ago today, we became husband and wife. We knew we belonged together. And now, half a decade later, I can say with absolute certainty that the past five years have been the best of my entire life. I don’t tell you this as often as I should, but I love being your wife. In fact, I’m proud to be your wife. You would do anything for me. You put up with me and my shenanigans, day in and day out. And for that, you deserve more than a blog post, you deserve a trophy. Thank you for remaining endlessly patient with me. That might be your best quality. Cheers to the second half of this decade, and many, many more to come. I love you, B. Always have always will.
♥
Because
I am always amazed at how little people actually understand of the word love. Our world today mistakes love for a feeling. But that is not love. My love for you is coloured with feelings but it is rooted in action. A colour photograph is nice, but a black and white one has a charm all of its own. People are always quick to say I love you because. But, I don’t love you because of anything. I just love you. Because that’s just it – there is no because apart from this: I love you because I choose to; because I see the special person that you are. You are so worthy to be loved, for no other reason but that you are. And I am so thankful to be the person whose job it is to love you.
♥
Forgive Me
I promised to spend the rest of my life with you. I promised to love, comfort, honor and keep you for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful only to you so long as we both shall live. I promised. And I promise again.
Forgive me for the times when I haven’t been patient; when I’ve snapped at you or gotten frustrated.
Forgive me for when I haven’t been kind; when my tongue has been quicker and sharper than my head or my heart.
Forgive me for the times when I celebrate my victories over you; when I proudly say “I’m always right” and forget to be humble.
Forgive me for those times when I’ve been rude and please forgive me for the many times when I’ve been selfish; when I have sought love instead of offering it.
And, oh my love, forgive me for those times when I get angry quickly and for the times that I let that anger fester and let the anger grow bigger and bitter.
Finally, forgive me when I don’t spend every last breath protecting the man that you are, when I don’t trust you with all that I have, and for the times that I look to the future with worry instead of with hope. I need your forgiveness for these, and for all the future times. that I have and will fail and break my promise to you.
♥
1000 Posts
This is my thousandth post. My thousandth.
I can’t really get my head around that number. There are few things, short of actions taken to sustain my existence, that I have done a thousand times. Seriously, doing a thousand of anything is a lot.
My first post was November 12, 2009. Back then I never considered that I would write one thousand posts about love, you, and our relationship. Here’s to 1000 more.
I love you.
♥
Online Love
Isn’t it so freaking amazing that we found each other!?! Well, you found me, but in this world of 7, 205,350,220 people on record apparently (I Googled it), we found each other.
I floated around in cyberspace as you did, and we lived for more than four years floating around in the real world, and then suddenly, just like that, click. You found me and my universe changed. Irrevocably.
Nothing was ever the same after that.
I love you.
♥
A Really Good Decision
When I first met you, I was unsure about how things would turn out for us. Looking at things now, I can am glad to say that it was one of the best decisions of my life to have chosen you… you bring so much joy into my life.
♥
My Heart Melted
I was scared to love you at first, out of fear that you would hurt me, but I did and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Now, the only fear I have is waking up and realizing it’s all a dream.
♥
Two Small Words
I think back to our wedding day… I remember one thing with utter clarity. I remember hearing you say “I do.” I can see your lips pronounce the words, I can hear your voice settling in my ear, and I can definitely remember the surge of emotion that flooded me. No two words have ever meant so much to me.
♥
The Right One
“If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.” ~Johnny Depp
You know you found the right one when you stop looking for more. I stopped looking when I found you.
♥
The Meaning of It
I’ve tried to say it a thousand different ways. I’ve tried twisting the words inside out and doubling them back over onto themselves. I’ve tried coming up with words in different languages, because maybe they have words for this thing. I’ve tried saying the same words over and over again in hopes that this time they’ll mean what I want them to mean, that you’ll understand what I am trying to say. I’ve tried writing it down and spelling it out and stressing each syllable. I’ve filled up pages and pages of bandwidth with what I’m trying to say.
Maybe I should just stop.
♥
Our Love
Our love has changed and evolved so much over the years. It’s a more settled love now, with the knowledge we are working together and doing the best we can for each other.
♥
Live Love Dream
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