Hard Pill to Swallow

My story put to words – when it was finally spoken after years of not telling anyone – was eye-opening. It’s messed up. Dysfunctional.

I Can’t Forget

We were madly in love. I believed we had a close to perfect marriage; but then I sensed some changes in your behaviour. I realised you were not being faithful to me. I was devastated.

In the process of trying to make sense of it, I felt the need to revisit your transgressions, again and again those messages play in my mind. But this is extremely hurtful, and in the process, I’ve tortured myself terribly, and repeatedly.

There is a loss of closeness between us that still exists, you had been sharing time and things with another woman, and I had been an outsider. The longer this went on the more visuals got recorded in my brain and I couldn’t forget. I can’t forget.

I’d like nothing more than to forget but you can’t not know once you know, can you? Our brains are funny like that. All this unearthed information is firmly cemented in my memory, actual mental images with which to brood and virtually relive over and over. This means it’s very difficult to progress to any kind of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is hard. Forgetting is next to impossible.

It’s Hard To Forgive

Forgiven

Forgiveness isn’t easy. Losing someone’s trust can take as little as half a second, but gaining it back takes time. Forgiving is a lengthy process. No matter how bad you want the whole thing to be over and for everything to go back to normal, it won’t for a while. You’ll always find the thought, the memory, hidden in your mind in the most obvious place, waiting for the right time to remind you that your heart is broken and that your attempt at a smile doesn’t hide it well enough. It’s hard to forgive someone you gave everything to because you know they’ll treat it with recklessness. They’ve done it before.

Someday

I am used to writing down my sorrows and joys in a journal, a simple way to record what is going on in my daily life. For quite some time they have been horrible thoughts, sad discourse, and fear of what was to happen to my broken life spilled out, along with many, many tears. The meditative writing process gave my weary mind time to rest and the space to plan out a different future than the one I’d imagined.

Betrayal hurts deeply and emotionally. From the initial discovery, to the intimate and embarrassing things he’d text her, to the realization of what I’d allowed to happen to me because I never called him out on what I knew—all of it pecked away at my sense of self.

I met with a lawyer a few months ago. She told me to leave when I felt the timing was right. While this was my initial gut reaction — I’m still here. I’m still deciding what to do and when to do it. Some day I will gather the courage to leave. Eventually, I’ll face the facts.

Worthless

Worthless

I needed you and you weren’t there. I needed you and you made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I needed you and you didn’t love me, oh you said you did but your actions told me a different story. I needed you and you acted like I didn’t exist. I needed you and you broke me.

💔

Through It All

through it all

I stayed with you through all the bullshit because I was torn between not givin up on the person I loved and coming to term with the fact that the person I loved no longer existed inside the body I was staring at everyday. And I don’t give a fuck what anyone says … that is really difficult. But, true love stays, even when things get difficult.

💔

 

Stars In Your Eyes

giphy

I saw stars in your eyes. But, they were twinkling for someone else’s sky.

💔

Worst Feeling Ever

Seeing someone slowly lose interest in you is probably one of the worst feelings ever.

💔

 

Under a Microscope

under a microscope

You were too busy finding faults in me while I was too busy overlooking yours.

💔

 

Game of Love

Love

Looks like I won “the I love you more” game.

One I would have gladly given anything to lose.

💔

People Change

People Change

She used to call him her “life.” So what happen then? Well, her “life” changed.

People change.

Even the devil was an angel once.

💔

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