I Forgive You

i-forgive-you-do-you-forgive-me

I forgive you, I really do. I am releasing this into the universe, surrendering it all because carrying this heaviness and hurt is a poison that is slowly killing me. I’m making the choice to forgive you because I need peace in my heart.

I forgive you for not loving me the way I wanted you to, the way you told me you would in the beginning. I forgive you for not being the man I thought you were, the man you pretended to be. I forgive you for hurting me. I forgive you for not wanting me the way I wanted you. I forgive you for all these feelings of unworthiness you brought to my doorstep and left for me to clean up. (It’s going to take a long time to clean up this mess.)

I forgive you breaking my tender heart and making me feel like nothing special. I forgive you for the tears I cried, for this empty feeling in my heart. I forgive you for not being man enough to talk to me and tell me how you felt.  I forgive you for not thinking enough of me or our time together to tell me the truth.

I forgive you for it all. I will never forget though. Never.

It’s Hard To Forgive

Forgiven

Forgiveness isn’t easy. Losing someone’s trust can take as little as half a second, but gaining it back takes time. Forgiving is a lengthy process. No matter how bad you want the whole thing to be over and for everything to go back to normal, it won’t for a while. You’ll always find the thought, the memory, hidden in your mind in the most obvious place, waiting for the right time to remind you that your heart is broken and that your attempt at a smile doesn’t hide it well enough. It’s hard to forgive someone you gave everything to because you know they’ll treat it with recklessness. They’ve done it before.

Truth

If I treated you the way you’re treating me you would hate me.

Betrayed

Getting betrayed is like someone grabbing your heart so tightly it can’t beat anymore. You can feel it in both your mind and body. It can even hurt worse than physical pain because it is that powerful.

Once you step out of the relationship the damage is done. The person I depended on more than anyone in the world was suddenly be the most distrustful, unsafe person I know.

Believing that someone is capable of betraying us is hard to handle on its own. But believing the other person actually did betray us is impossible to bear. It’s such an immensely negative place to be. Denial is like pretending someone isn’t kicking you in the stomach while you’re on the ground actually getting kicked in the stomach.  

l have been living in self-imposed dysfunction for years. Stay or leave. If I stay I’ll continue to live in perpetual misery, pretending to be content. If I leave I’ll be facing the unknown. Better the devil you know.

I Lived to Tell the Tale

Awesome

Sweet child, all your worst fears were realized, and yet you lived through it, lived to tell the tale, now with drier eyes and a steady voice

How can you not see that as a superpower, as proof of your divine strength?

 

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