The Choices We Make

I left last October. You pushed me away until I felt I had no other choice. I came back because you made me feel scared of the consequences of leaving.

I said back then I’d give it a year. I convinced myself plenty of times that things were getting better, that things were improving, after a magical day or week when you seemed different. But each time, it was only temporary. This cycle continues indefinitely. and this entire situation – the lack of communication, your lack of optimism and negativity, past hurts that haunt me – all of it has left me feeling stressed and teetering on the brink of depression.

It’s not as easy to catch depression as it is to catch a cold, of course — but bit-by-bit, your depression is spreading to me. I cannot – will not – allow myself to sink into that dark abyss.

It took me a year to realise this. There really is only so much that you can help someone if they aren’t at least trying. The choices you make are on you. The way you live is on you. I can only be responsible for myself and my choices.

I Can’t Forget

We were madly in love. I believed we had a close to perfect marriage; but then I sensed some changes in your behaviour. I realised you were not being faithful to me. I was devastated.

In the process of trying to make sense of it, I felt the need to revisit your transgressions, again and again those messages play in my mind. But this is extremely hurtful, and in the process, I’ve tortured myself terribly, and repeatedly.

There is a loss of closeness between us that still exists, you had been sharing time and things with another woman, and I had been an outsider. The longer this went on the more visuals got recorded in my brain and I couldn’t forget. I can’t forget.

I’d like nothing more than to forget but you can’t not know once you know, can you? Our brains are funny like that. All this unearthed information is firmly cemented in my memory, actual mental images with which to brood and virtually relive over and over. This means it’s very difficult to progress to any kind of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is hard. Forgetting is next to impossible.

It’s Hard To Forgive

Forgiven

Forgiveness isn’t easy. Losing someone’s trust can take as little as half a second, but gaining it back takes time. Forgiving is a lengthy process. No matter how bad you want the whole thing to be over and for everything to go back to normal, it won’t for a while. You’ll always find the thought, the memory, hidden in your mind in the most obvious place, waiting for the right time to remind you that your heart is broken and that your attempt at a smile doesn’t hide it well enough. It’s hard to forgive someone you gave everything to because you know they’ll treat it with recklessness. They’ve done it before.

I Lived to Tell the Tale

Awesome

Sweet child, all your worst fears were realized, and yet you lived through it, lived to tell the tale, now with drier eyes and a steady voice

How can you not see that as a superpower, as proof of your divine strength?

 

Forgive

Forgiveness

Forgive anyone who has caused you pain or harm. Keep in mind that forgiveness is not for others. It is for you.

Forgiving is not forgetting. It is remembering without anger. It frees up your power, heals your body, mind, and spirit.

Forgiveness opens up a pathway to a new place of peace where you can persit despite what has happened to you.

Forgive

Forgive

It took me a long time to understand what it means to forgive someone.

I always wondered how I could forgive someone who chose to hurt me. But after a lot of soul searching, I realized that forgiveness isn’t about accepting or excusing their behaviour…. it’s about letting it go and preventing their behaviour from destroying me heart.

Sit & Think

Sit & Think

Have you ever just sat and thought, “Fuck, I’ve been through a lot of shit.”

You Were Lost

Quotes A relationship is like a house. When a light bulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the light bulb.-m

It’s so easy to love someone when things are perfect and everything’s wonderful. But to love someone when things are difficult, when they’re not being perfect, when they’re messing up, flaws are seen, mistakes are made – I think that’s what really allows you to see how much love is really there.

Anyone can love someone who is doing and saying all the right things but to love someone when they are lost, when you’re willing to stand by them no matter how challenging or difficult things may be, I think that kind of love is real.

 

 

Sometimes

Sometimes

Sometimes I think about when we used to talk. We’d talk about dreams and fears and how real change could happen with a little time. But now more than a little time has gone by and now we don’t talk anymore. I try to remember all the things I wanted then. And all the things I want now and what’s different and what’s the same. I sometimes miss that dreaming we would do when we still talking. Before the avalanche came down and everything changed. When I believed in you and thought you believed in me.

Because even if things were wrong then and I knew about it, I didn’t yet know the full extent. I couldn’t possibly have. And even if I was without that knowledge, ignorant me was happy with the dreaming. She was happy with the talking. Sometimes those are the things we’re willing to trade. Talking instead of silence. Dysfunction instead of truth. Dreaming instead of leaving. A happy me for a happier you.

You can’t pick and choose the things you want in a person, but if I could, I’d pick the you who would let me rest my head on his chest and tell me the things he wanted to do.

Oh Happy Day!!!

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Today I heard some news that made me want to jump with joy… they are having a baby.

My heart feels light for a change. The weight of the stress has been lifted and I can breathe a sigh of relief.

It will never be the same as it once was – I was hurt too deeply. I am so ready to move on from this maelstrom you’ve caused me over the past couple of years.

Can’t Let Love Go

Let It Go

I wish I could stop playing through scenarios of what could have been and where it all went wrong. I wish I could just move on. I wish I could just let go of you, of us.

But, in this moment, wishing for things is all there is, because reality is that in this space is where I am, I still love you.

I still wonder what made you give up, and I still resent fear for digging its claws in you and us.

💔

Enough

Enough

Cheating, most of us have been there. You don’t ever see it coming because it’s the small things that build up over time that invite the toxicity into your life.

Shock, anger, rage, and sadness infiltrated my mind along with the usual dosages of self-doubt. Was I not pretty enough? Was I not smart enough? Where did I go wrong? What did she have that I didn’t have? What was I lacking that would make him want to stray…

ENOUGH.

Enough is enough. I sulked in that pity party for far too long when I decided to reach up and slap myself in the face. You are not a reflection of someone else’s decision to be unfaithful. Your self-worth is not bound to their confusion and lack of appreciation for you.

Life is 10 percent of what happens to you and 90 percent of how you react to it. Life is going to happen and heartbreak is inevitable. Use these seasons of hardship as the fuel you need to set ablaze the fire that will ignite you into a better future.

Simple Love

Simple Love

I miss when love felt simple. When love was without thought and without worry. I miss when love felt as natural and as easy as breathing, when everything we did and everything we said was out of love.

I miss when love was not a list of reasons why I should stay and why I should go, neither of them winning, neither of them making sense. I miss when love was not tangled up in resentment and hurt, and anger.

I miss when you were the answer to every question, not the one creating them. I miss when love was not a game of secrets when I had to play detective to uncover your latest crime. I miss when you told me things before I discovered them, I miss when there was never anything to discover in the first place. I miss when your phone did not feel like a loaded weapon, when it did not feel like something which would go off and rip my entire world apart. I miss when female names did not feel like stab wounds to my chest. I miss when I was not convinced you wanted to fuck her. I miss calmness inside my body instead of this twisting, sickening feeling like I’m hurtling towards the ground.

I miss when love felt simple. When love was exactly what I had spent my whole life knowing it to be. I miss when love was just happiness and contentment when our love was the definition of the word. I miss when I knew that what I felt and what we shared was love. It was easier that way, certain, concrete. Love meant you and me forever, for always.

But now, I’m not sure what love is, I’m not even sure it lives with us anymore. I miss when love was not tears and silent treatment. When love was not locking myself in the bathroom and sobbing so much my chest felt as if it might collapse. I miss when love was not this, not hurtful, not pain. I miss when love felt like love, like flying, like freedom. I miss when love did not feel like a knife carving away at me, taking pieces of me, making me come apart.

I miss when love felt simple.

💔

 

Profound Statement

Profound Statement

The mind replays what the heart cannot delete. Such a profound statement.

💔

 

Every Time

Everytime

Every time I close my eyes to go to sleep I pick out my favourite memory of us.

 

1000 Posts

1000 Posts

This is my thousandth post. My thousandth.

I can’t really get my head around that number. There are few things, short of actions taken to sustain my existence, that I have done a thousand times. Seriously, doing a thousand of anything is a lot.

My first post was November 12, 2009. Back then I never considered that I would write one thousand posts about love, you, and our relationship. Here’s to 1000 more.

I love you.

 

A Long Time

A Long Time

I have liked you since the day I met you.

A Really Good Decision

I Love u red flying hearts gif animated images free download banner love .gif photo graphic clip art mobile iphone ipad screensaver background free clipart animation gif mania HD 3D i love you

When I first met you, I was unsure about how things would turn out for us. Looking at things now, I can am glad to say that it was one of the best decisions of my life to have chosen you… you bring so much joy into my life.

Years Go By

Years Go By

Twelve years – that’s how long we’ve known each one another. I met you on a Saturday night 12 years ago. So much has changed – our lives altered in subtle – and not so subtle ways by the gentle currents of each other. In the time I’ve known you, we have both changed for the better – we compliment and act as one another’s confidant, friend, partner and lovers.

 

Two Small Words

Two Small Words

I think back to our wedding day… I remember one thing with utter clarity. I remember hearing you say “I do.” I can see your lips pronounce the words, I can hear your voice settling in my ear, and I can definitely remember the surge of emotion that flooded me. No two words have ever meant so much to me.

Our Love

Our Love

Our love has changed and evolved so much over the years.  It’s a more settled love now, with the knowledge we are working together and doing the best we can for each other.

 

Still The One

Still The One

I still remember that moment when I first saw you. I still remember the moment I knew that you are the one for me. Time has passed, but you are still the same for me. With time I love you more.

 

Together With You

Together With You

A few years ago I felt that something was missing in my life. I really didn’t know what it was. But, since the time you came in my life, I realized that something missing was you. Now, you and I are together and I just want to know how lucky I feel to have you as my husband.

 

One Thing Different

One Thing Different

I feel like everything in my life has led me to you. My choices, my heart breaks, my regrets. Everything. And now that we’re together, my past seems worth it. Because if I had done one thing differently, I might never have met you.

 

 

 

Love Is…

Love Is...

All relationships start with happiness and excitement and feelings that make you feel like you are on top of the world. I remember when everything between us was spine tingling and wet palms and making out and you gave me butterflies and I made you want to spend the night enjoying each other.

And of course, so they say, life can’t go on that way. You can’t be madly, passionately in love forever. So that love changes, it morphs.

It becomes the mundane. What we have now. The kisses hello and goodbye, the compulsory “I love you”, the lack of sexual excitement, affection but no desire. But is this right? It doesn’t have to be. I know it doesn’t. Let’s do something about this.

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