Looks like I won “the I love you more” game.
One I would have gladly given anything to lose.
💔
Simple Love
I miss when love felt simple. When love was without thought and without worry. I miss when love felt as natural and as easy as breathing, when everything we did and everything we said was out of love.
I miss when love was not a list of reasons why I should stay and why I should go, neither of them winning, neither of them making sense. I miss when love was not tangled up in resentment and hurt, and anger.
I miss when you were the answer to every question, not the one creating them. I miss when love was not a game of secrets when I had to play detective to uncover your latest crime. I miss when you told me things before I discovered them, I miss when there was never anything to discover in the first place. I miss when your phone did not feel like a loaded weapon, when it did not feel like something which would go off and rip my entire world apart. I miss when female names did not feel like stab wounds to my chest. I miss when I was not convinced you wanted to fuck her. I miss calmness inside my body instead of this twisting, sickening feeling like I’m hurtling towards the ground.
I miss when love felt simple. When love was exactly what I had spent my whole life knowing it to be. I miss when love was just happiness and contentment when our love was the definition of the word. I miss when I knew that what I felt and what we shared was love. It was easier that way, certain, concrete. Love meant you and me forever, for always.
But now, I’m not sure what love is, I’m not even sure it lives with us anymore. I miss when love was not tears and silent treatment. When love was not locking myself in the bathroom and sobbing so much my chest felt as if it might collapse. I miss when love was not this, not hurtful, not pain. I miss when love felt like love, like flying, like freedom. I miss when love did not feel like a knife carving away at me, taking pieces of me, making me come apart.
I miss when love felt simple.
💔
One Day
One day you will understand why storms are named after people.
💔
You’re There
And you knew what you were doing when you were doing it.
💔
You Realize
And finally you realize…. you can’t force consistency, loyalty or even honesty.
You can’t force them to keep their word, or to communicate… or to realize something special is right in front of them.
💔
Profound Statement
The mind replays what the heart cannot delete. Such a profound statement.
💔
Too Much, Too Little
A relationship fails from the lies and the deceit and the betrayal and the hurt and the pain. There are no excuses, reasons, no ways around it. One person forgets to recognise the effort, the trials, the fighting for one another. You forget that she has put up with all of your faults, your imperfections, all your ugly-parts-that-nobody-would-ever-accept.
I never wanted to give up— in terms of on you or us. I never wanted to give up because I knew you in ways that you didn’t think I did. I knew your past, your secrets. You knew all of mine. We opened each other up and scrutinized and examined and took what we wanted and ran away with what only we needed.
What you loved more than me hurt me constantly and instead of trying to make you change, I tried to adapt to them and in the process, lost myself and my morals, my priorities, my wants and needs. And in turn, I lost my way. And I’ve realised I allowed myself to put your happiness above my own.
And it sits here, in this room, it takes up so much space and I just watch it day to day wondering if life would have been better. If you would have ever put me above it.
In the End
Here you are – hurting, waiting, wanting for something to change. You ask yourself about a hundred times, is it something you said? Maybe. And then you ask yourself a thousand more times, is it something you did? Possibly.
But in the end – yes. It’s always your fault, never ever his. Because you are settling with this mentality – it’s not you, it’s me.
And you are willing to swallow your pride, than hurt his ego. And you choose not to break your silence, even though you know you are free to call him out on the bullshit he’s blatantly putting you through. And you can’t find the courage in your heart and the wisdom in every fiber of your mind to simply – walk away. Why?
💔
Patience Has a Limit
I’m a very patient person but this has been going on long enough. It’s time. Time for you to break up with the work gf.
I thought that this infatuation would have run its course by now. But I have come to realise the infatuation has turned into full blown obsession.
My patience has worn thin. Time for you stop behaving like a single man. Lest you become one.
💔
A Woman Knows
“What she don’t know won’t hurt her that’s what he tells himself”
She can’t put her finger on a single lipstick stain
Perfume doesn’t linger in a shirt
There’s no matchbook in his pocket with a number and a name
So why does she still hurt
‘Cause a woman knows, when there’s another woman
She can feel her, all over her man
A woman knows, when there’s another woman
You can’t fool her, don’t try to think you can
What she don’t know won’t hurt her that’s what he tells himself
So he hides his cheatin’ heart inside his chest
He thinks he’s put one over, but what he doesn’t know is
He’s already confessed
A woman knows, when there’s another woman
You can’t fool her, don’t try to think you can
You can’t fool her, don’ try to think you can
Broken
I want you to love me like I loved you.
I want you to hurt like I have been hurting.
I wish fairy tales were true because you would have saved my heart, not broke it in two.
Feelings
I don’t want to feel anything. At all. But sometimes the feelings attack me so hard I can’t ignore them anymore. They push and push and push, until they finally come through, and then, usually, I run. I can’t bear to deal with them, and I certainly can’t deal with the feelings that come after.
Lost the Loving Feeling
You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips
And there’s no tenderness like before in your fingertips
You’re trying hard not to show it
But baby, baby I know it
You lost that lovin’ feelin’
Whoa, that lovin’ feelin’
You lost that lovin’ feelin’
Now it’s gone, gone, gone,
Now there’s no welcome look in your eyes when I reach for you
And now you’re starting to criticize little things I do
It makes me just feel like crying
‘Cause baby, something beautiful’s dyin’
Baby, baby, I’d get down on my knees for you
If you would only love me like you used to do, yeah
We had a love, a love, a love you don’t find everyday
So don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t let it slip away
How Could You
I took it personal because I wouldn’t have done it to you. Never.
💔
Body or Soul
If a man loves a woman’s soul, he’ll end up loving one woman. But, if he just loves a woman’s body or face, all the women in the world won’t satisfy him.
What I Want
You want to be the last person he thinks about before he falls asleep. You want to be his first thought when he wakes up. You want to be the one he texts or calls when he’s bored.
Sadly, I’m not that one anymore.
When I Realised
Even when I realised I could no longer trust you, I still could not keep myself from loving you. Even when I realised you didn’t deserve me, I still felt like I deserved you. Because I had already given so much of me, and invested so much time and energy into “us” that it didn’t seem fair to walk away with nothing.
💔
I Wish I Could
I gave it all and you gave me shit
I wish I could do exactly what you did
I wish I could do exactly what you did
I wish I could hurt you back
Love, what would you do if you couldn’t get me back
You’re the one who’s gonna lose
Something so special, something so real
Tell me boy, how in the fuck would you feel?
If you couldn’t get me back
That’s what I wish that I could do to you
Love, what would you do if you couldn’t get me back
You’re the one who’s gonna lose
Something so special, something so real
Tell me boy, how in the fuck would you feel?
If you couldn’t get me back
That’s what I wish that I could do to you
💔
Anybody’s Heart
All that I wanted was just to feel safe
Safe in your arms
Say you didn’t mean to
Say I wouldn’t understand
But it’s time you say something
God knows it’s the one thing I need
And the heart you broke
Know it wasn’t just anybody’s heart
So I bit my nails and I held my breath
And I said I’m fine
Yeah, I did my best
~Anybody’s Heart by Katherine McPhee
And the heart you broke, it wasn’t just anybody’s heart… it was mine
So Confused
Oh, I thought the world of you, I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong, I was wrong
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn’t be so confused and I wouldn’t feel so used
Don’t let it fade
I’m sure I’m not being rude
But it’s just your attitude
It’s tearing me apart
It’s ruining every day for me
I swore I would be true
And fellow, so did you
So why were you holding her hand?
Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time?
Was it just a game to you?
And I Wonder
I understand feeling as small and insignificantly as humanly possible.
And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you.
And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or new clothes you get – you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood.
And how in the heck, for that brief moment in time, you could think you were happy.
Broken Trust
I trusted you….
That’s all I want to say.
💔
Penny For Your Thoughts
And I can’t believe I hadn’t realized that when we spent all those moments together she was in the back of your mind the whole fucking time.
💔
It’s Valentine’s Day
It’s the littlest of things that make women happy. The ten seconds it would have taken you to write “Happy Valentine’s Day, I love you” on Facebook or text me would have totally made up for the fact you forgot your wife again this Valentine’s Day.
💔
Not Maybe
Nothing boils my blood more than a guy making a girl feel crazy for her suspicions when he’s doing exactly what she’s questioning about.
People Change
She used to call him her “life.” So what happen then? Well, her “life” changed.
People change.
Even the devil was an angel once.
💔
Unforeseen Consequences
Love Actually is one of my favourite movies. One of the saddest parts is when Emma Thompson’s character notices her husband’s, played by Alan Rickman, reaction to his attractive co-worker.
Karen: Mia’s very pretty.
Harry: [nonchalantly but unconvincingly] Is she?
Karen: You know she is, darling. Be careful there.
💔
I’m Not Perfect
I’m not perfect. When it comes to relationships, I mess up, I fall too hard, I get easily jealous. But there are three things I am proud of being me:
- I do not play
- I give my best
- When I choose you, it’s only you
Secret Relationship
The perils of a secret relationship always lie within the reasons why it’s secret.
What Really Matters
I don’t care how many people flirt with you …. it’s what you say back that really matters.
💔
For Future Reference
This is what to say when I’m a big, teary mess.
♥
The Right One
“If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.” ~Johnny Depp
You know you found the right one when you stop looking for more. I stopped looking when I found you.
♥
The Meaning of It
I’ve tried to say it a thousand different ways. I’ve tried twisting the words inside out and doubling them back over onto themselves. I’ve tried coming up with words in different languages, because maybe they have words for this thing. I’ve tried saying the same words over and over again in hopes that this time they’ll mean what I want them to mean, that you’ll understand what I am trying to say. I’ve tried writing it down and spelling it out and stressing each syllable. I’ve filled up pages and pages of bandwidth with what I’m trying to say.
Maybe I should just stop.
♥
I’m Mad at You
Because you are an idiot. Still love you though so I will put on my happy face. I will get over it… eventually.
♥
Love Is…
All relationships start with happiness and excitement and feelings that make you feel like you are on top of the world. I remember when everything between us was spine tingling and wet palms and making out and you gave me butterflies and I made you want to spend the night enjoying each other.
And of course, so they say, life can’t go on that way. You can’t be madly, passionately in love forever. So that love changes, it morphs.
It becomes the mundane. What we have now. The kisses hello and goodbye, the compulsory “I love you”, the lack of sexual excitement, affection but no desire. But is this right? It doesn’t have to be. I know it doesn’t. Let’s do something about this.
♥
Lost In Love
I’m having one of those days that makes me feel like I’d be lost without you… just wanted to let you know.
♥
Apology
Three months to the day since my last post. The worst apology ever mainly because I didn’t even get one. That hurts more than the thing I was actually waiting for an apology on.
♥
Lonely
“I’m here without you, baby, but you’re still on my lonely mind”
♥
Just A Memory
I just want you to want me like you used to. Remember those days when you’d put your hands down my pants? You’d press yourself up against me. You’d grab my hand and put it on your hardness. You’d whip your towel off as soon as you got out of the shower. You wanted me to want you.
You wanted me. Me.
Now it seems absurd.
A distant memory.
A sad memory.
I love you.
♥
You Should Have Said “No”
You should have said no and this whole thing would have been avoided. But you didn’t. Instead you let her ingratiate herself with her quick wit and innuendos. You should have said no. Or that you were going to the gym after work. SOMETHING! But instead, you caved. You straight up forgot I even existed… because if I did exist in that thick skull of yours you would have kept my words in the back of your head. You disrespected me. Was it worth it? Was it worth this? I just don’t understand it. I don’t understand you. All I know is you should have said No.
Live Love Dream
%d bloggers like this:
